The country is on lockdown y’all! What?? We are all on quarantine because of a pandemic virus called #coronavirus aka Covid-19! The governor of California shutdown everything that isn’t a grocery story or pharmacy. 40 million people ordered to stay inside for 2 weeks or more. Some people are predicting until June/July. This is our new normal- it feels like a nightmare/movie, but its real. And the reality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks after this epic nightmare/dream I had last night:
The dream was in two parts. The first part was about a really close friend of mine who had “actualized”. Meaning, everything that he wanted to do and become, he just…DID IT, and was living in this amazing condo with awards and albums released. I was so genuinely happy for him, my heart was so full. He looked me in the eyes with tears, grateful and said you can do this too Allison…but I felt like I had a pile of energetic mess, like dirty laundry I had to clean and fold and put away to even be able to see where to start. I felt trapped in my own inner mess.
I woke up and then went back to sleep and the second part of the dream felt like I was living in the world created by all my subconscious fears. Like a personal Hell. I was living in this reality that was like what I imagined communist China to be. Everyone was working individually yet together in their specific roles towards this huge synchronized social performance-like Shen Yun- or something. Everyone was an “influencer” and had their lives in order, like perfectly oiled machine lives. But I was trapped in my messy hotel room looking through dirty piles for ONE sock so I could join the action!! The Stage Manager knocked on my door to tell me I needed to report to the rehearsal hall because it was beginning in 20 minutes and all of the country was there but me. It was awful! I just couldnt get my ish together! And I found out that missing sock was on my foot the whole time.
I woke up from this dream feeling like I trapped in my mess, unorganized while EVERYONE around me had it all figured out. I’ve felt like I have been paralyzed to create – my own channel, my own music, my OWN whatever– because it wasn’t going to be as good as everyone i saw on IG or the influencers I saw. Ironically, these INFLUENCERS only strike up my insecurity in my own talents. When I see them, it feels like I missed the bus to be create on my own. I realize that the “mess” is all internal subconscious fear, trauma or whatever you wanna call it, thats crowding what already IS.
Yes ,if I just start making music again or start a live channel, I’m not going to have 10K followers immediately like most of my friends. I may just have a solid 5 people. BUT F*CK FOLLOWERS! I’m not here to gain the world. Its not about numbers, its about MY OWN CREATIVITY as a Creative BEING! These influencers are no different than me, they aren’t just BORN better people, more special or more talented. They just have GUTS to INVEST in theirselves. They don’t get caught up in comparing what others are doing or what they think they are supposed to be doing. I need to give myself permission to SUCK. I want to remind myself that I create NOT to gain followers and for people to LIKE me and Validate me, but to create because I love it and because I am CREATIVE. I’ve been paralyzed because I’m just so deathly afraid to not be accepted or liked enough. This is such an old outdated story and I am burying right now. R.I.P.
BACK to the reality of this Quarantine….
It hit me that this is the NEW NORMAL. At least for now. That we all are forced to stay inside and essentially forced to GO INSIDE-INTERNALLY. To face our viruses within and heal them. There is no escape. No distraction. We must look at the inner world we have created and ask ourselves, is this what I want to live in? Am I the type of person I want to live as? What can I work on? What have I been ignoring or procrastinating working on? For me, its creating and clearing the junk. I’ve been an amazing puppet of other peoples projects. I love it, helping bringing other peoples visions to life, but what about my own? Now that I have no-one to work for, i have to work for myself now.
I’m so sorry I put you on the back burner- Allie Dee. I’m sorry I put other people’s opinions and expectations before your heart. I’m sorry I compared other people’s success and end results to your beginning steps. That scared you from even BEGINNING! The first steps of anything are sacred and can be shaky. I’m sorry I was so freaking MEAN to you in my self talk. I’m sorry for never standing up for you and here’s the kicker: Being everyone else’s Cheerleader but MY OWN.
WHOA…This feels Apocalyptic. The end of a way of living and thinking that has been creating a bigger and bigger energetic mess inside. Blocking me from who I am at my core. I’m using this quarantine to strip my inner mess away: donate, dump, or keep. I’m being brutally yet lovingly honest with myself and I’m finding that as space clears, I’m seeing glimpses of who I really am.
Its like I’m remembering myself again.
Allie's Blog 