I GOT COVID!!

I had been dodging this thing like Matrix bullets. I kinda had it in March 2020 when I escaped NYC by the skin of my teeth a day before the shutdown. For a few days I lost my sense of smell and taste but I was “convinced” it was a sinus infection because the thought of it being this unknown virus that was taking people out was NOT a reality I was going to choose this lifetime, although, if it’s my time, its my time.

Fast forward to the end of 2021 at my first show back from the shutdown and cast members were catching Covid left and right…still I was untouched while Omicron was running wild in those Miami streets. I finally moved back to NYC spring 2022 and people were still being taken out by this virus (albeit for only 5-10 days) I STILL managed to remain untouched. I guess I got a little too confident in ‘Rona’s avoidance and went to several parties back to back to back to back this past weekend. When my throat started to itch and my sinuses were flaring up, I started to sweat a little bit..The pollen count isn’t high, why am I sneezing? I also felt as if I was a little too sweaty in bed for a few days…I bought two CVS tests and to my SURPRISE, they both were positive!! My stomach dropped…I would have to quarantine in NYC, by myself, like the rest of the city did. My routine of romping the city (and spending money) had to pause and I had to sit with myself with nowhere to run. I wasn’t on top of a gorgeous mountain in Malibu to isolate myself. I was in the world’s smallest one bedroom in midtown with no sunlight. Its like NYC was saying, your soft Malibu skin ain’t gon cut it outchea. You need to get your skin ready for the winter…

ugh…the winters…

I just bought…oops nope…but I like that Freudian slip…I just SIGNED my sublease for a year in Harlem…I am not a Harlem fan but I am convinced to give Manhattan a shot. I think staying in Manhattan will keep me in the flow of the city’s momentum. Brooklyn is HOMEY AF and comfy but a little discomfort is just what I need to level up. Discomfort like a doorman building with a balcony, gym, laundry, courtyard and fabulous roommate who is my age and from LA. I know, what torture? Honestly, I think it will be good for me. I’m not giving it tooo much thought, I know that it seems and feels like a good decisions and it has all the ingredients to succeed. Its only up to me and me alone to F*ck this up, and I don’t plan on doing that, at least for a year. I want to be on my best behavior….whatever that means.

I have been auditioning like a madwoman and NOT ONE AUDITION has booked me a job. What THE HELL NEW YORK??? I know I am talented and driven and give the people what they want! What they need! What they don’t even KNOW they need! I’m tired of playing humble and small. I am THAT BITCH. I can sing better than most of these kids on BWAY, but is this what I want, real talk? Have I returned to NYC to pick up my old dusty dream of being on BWay, or is there another track that is just as exciting if not MORE artistically THRILLING and financially rewarding? I have a sense that NOW is the time to explore those new lanes. Finish my YTT once and for all, Teach at a college in NYC, gig around the city like nobody’s business, make connections, music, art, and vibes like the BoGodess I am…thats Boss and Goddess together…Gobodess?

Maybe its the new moon, maybe its the introspection from this isolation…maybe its the changing of the months/seasons…but I’m feeling like its time for a CHANGE. On so many different levels.

But first, SLEEP.

A Return to the Empire State

Where did the time go!? Here we are, the middle of August 2022. Two years post the apocalypse. I was happily and miserably living in LALA Land & Malibu for 2 years when I was jolted out of my lucid dream back to the Big Apple. Why? Because Broadway called and when they call, you pick up, right? I was “flewed out” by Disney to continue the Aida Workshop, which was halted prematurely because of the shutdown in March 2020. I was lucky enough to have a midtown sublet that was available for me. For the first time ever, I was able to walk to and from rehearsals in Times Square! The best part about it was not having to wait and ride underground in this post 2020 subway culture. But the worst was still a factor- walking through Times Square. Aside from shaving off an hour of prep & travel time, working and living in midtown was no walk in the park. It was more like a walk in the middle of the road against oncoming traffic where the cars are junkies shooting up, taking dumps or dazed and unaware tourists with their luggage.

Needless to say, the moment I got inside the apartment, everything outside seemed to disappear. The people, the sirens, the hustle and bustle. Unfortunately, with all the windows so close to the neighboring buildings, the sunlight seemed to disappear as well, with an exception of the 2pm filtered light through the firescape window. As a person who is half plant, Sunlight, water and love is necessary for my survival, this played a toll on my mental health…so I managed to find a cozy sunny plant filled apartment on the top of a Brownstone on “the greenest block in Brooklyn”!! What is my luck? I don’t know but I am so glad that I have angels watching over meeeee.

Ironically, this month I had so many rehearsals and auditions in midtown, it seemed almost an inconvenience to go back home to Brooklyn when I had a midtown place available! It wasn’t until the last few days of my sublet that Brooklyn started to OPEN and embrace me! It got to a point where I was recognizing folk and shop keepers, waving hello to them, stopping by to have a conversation on the way home…you know…things you do when you’re A PART OF A NEIGHBORHOOD!! This is exactly what I was craving! And to make matters worse, there was a BLOCK PARTY on my BLOCK! I was dancing with the local dance studio around the corner, eating food from my neighbors, laughing and making friends with my neighbors only to tell them I’m leaving the next day….UGH. I’m over these peekaboos and short stays…I’m ready to be an active community member somewhere….FOR MORE THAN A WEEK…A MONTH…A YEAR…Can I put 10 years into a place damnit? Ever?

The last day of my sublet, as I’m soaking in the sun on the rooftop, I get an email from one of the apartments I reached out to for my September move. She asks if I want to see the place now and I agree..WHY IS SHE 2 BLOCKS AWAY?? So the possibility of staying in the neighborhood is REAL!! I’m not sure what is going on in this crazy transition but I’m glad that it seems like there is outside help in the orchestrating of it all. It’s moments like this that I feel like I’m truly living a blessed and charmed life…

End Times Blues/Happy Earth Day

Happy Earth Day. I posted a fuzzy Earthy thing on IG. I’m sure there will be tons of hashtags for EarthDay2020 and meditation on saving the earth but what better gift to Earth is this quarantine? We’ve done enough damage.

Ugh, today, I’m so bored. and irritated. And I feel dry and crusty. My guts are expanding from all the pasta and full thanksgiving-esque dinners I’ve been making and eating everyday. I’m tired of wearing PJs and I’m tired of my hair looking crazy, and I’m tired of not having anything to do or trying to find things to do. I’m tired of the pressure I’m putting on myself to do something important and substantial to be “ready” whenever this quarantine is over. I’m tired of wondering WTF is happening to the world and thinking about mortality and the state of the country. Did I mention I’m tired.

I admit I have been pretty productive, overall. Maybe I just need to allow myself to have a lazy day…but I feel like I am lazy everyday…Ugh…i dont even know….just pouting and complaining. Thought that blogging would make me feel better or that I would get to the bottom of this by writing it out buuuuuuut…..yea, no, I’m still irritated.

Well…maybe a percentage less now…

FIN.

Month Two of Quarantine: Political Jesus, Zoom Life, Breaking Blocks, & Breakfast with demons.

Update:

I’m deeply seeped in global history for the first time. Thanks to Netflix, I binged The Last Czars, documentaries about the Roman Empire, and wondering where the documentaries are on the kingdoms in Africa, other a blip of the Anthony & Cleopatra with actors that resemble a Greek American couple.

But what has intrigued me the most is the story of Jesus…politically! Its intriguing to see how the fight of ultimate power is the root of all empirical rise & fall. I understand the political reason behind the crucifixion of Jesus. His message of social equality, the elimination of social hierarchy and not needing to be wealthy or of a certain class to have a direct connection w the divine threatened all of what the Roman Empire stood for. The Roman Empire was so powerful, they had officials and police in Jerusalem to enforce Roman power over them. Jesus’ message and gospel gave a spiritual & social freedom to a ppl who were oppressed by this Empirical law. A law that believed their governing leader was Godlike. Jesus posed a threat to those in religious & political power. He was also seen as blasphemous bc his message was the opposite of what the religious and political order of the time was. He was preaching enlightenment to the people during the most oppressive times.Jesus was planting the seeds of a spiritual revolution in a sense that allowed ppl to see that healing power and connection to the divine was MORE than within arms reach, it was within us #thekingdomofgodiswithin not in Roman power or the Temples. Imagine if that idea latched on to the people, what would BECOME of the Roman Empire? That is one of the reasons they believed Jesus HAD to be crucified/ assassinated. To maintain the power over the ppl so they wouldn’t have these ideas in their head. From this understanding of Jesus politically, His identity, mission, purpose on this Earth makes complete sense to me.

I’ve used Zoom twice, once for a virtual play about a Zoom gathering during the quarantine and something was heading East, causing the players to mysteriously disconnect one by one. Kinda close to home but really exciting to participate in a virtual performance with others. Also celebrated Passover for the first time via Zoom.

I’m using this time to stay off the news as much as I can, yet staying vigilant and informed. I’m also learning to flow creatively. Sharing my gifts of singing, comedy, movement, like the world is going to end. Instead of sharing my ideas like an IV drip, I’m inviting spirit to flow like the current she is. Its like I subconsciously removed this creative block…or maybe I have nothing to blame my block on anymore but me. Plus boredom and stir craziness breeds creativity up the wazoo!

LASTLY: The distractions of all my demons and insecurities are gone. I’m comfortably sitting at the table with all my neuroses & fears. I literally had a lovely early morning breakfast sipping on coffee with my fear of death. I finally had space to allow it to truly unfold and chat with it with my lovely partner who gave me some healing and useful insight. I’ve come to the resolution that all I have control over is how I feel about it, how I am living my internal life, and that when my time comes, I hope to be in a place of peace and comfort for it. I want to view it as beautiful instead of terrifying. As a part of an eternal experience of existence through different levels of being consciousness. I believe that heaven and hell are the places we will “exist” when all the material distractions have dematerialized. I didnt realize how fearful I have been living, fearful or not doing enough, or doing “it right”, not being “enough”—which now sounds absolutely ABSURD. When I ask myself, enough of what? If I can’t make peace with who and what I am, that is a constant state of distress or dis-ease of being! The antidote…the solution…the rest…the healing…can only come from within. Of course this amazing world , full of life and remedies, themes and seasons, prophets, and characters, the VIVIDRY of this world provides all the inspiration, paint and materials to use. How do we know which ones to use? By the heart. The actual physical feeling that emanates from the heart. Still not sure? Think of a time where you felt amazing, “in love”, in awe, grateful, GOOOOOD. That’s the feeling. It is our job to master our constantly churning mind to assist THIS feeling, not destroy it. Unless we secretly enjoy feeling bad. Through meditation, right thinking, right action, right doing. Hmmm, I’m sounding like an Eastern philosopher….now as a disclaimer, I understand there are instances where there are actual chemical imbalances and illnesses in our brain that we can’t meditate or pray away. We are lucky to live in a time that has pills that can interact without our help with the electrical firing in our brains. We are in the information age as well as having spiritual knowledge readily accessible. The point is, we have the power of choice even with our thoughts and actions. We aren’t victims.

I’m not a victim.

Apocalypse 2020: Week 1

The country is on lockdown y’all! What?? We are all on quarantine because of a pandemic virus called #coronavirus aka Covid-19! The governor of California shutdown everything that isn’t a grocery story or pharmacy. 40 million people ordered to stay inside for 2 weeks or more. Some people are predicting until June/July. This is our new normal- it feels like a nightmare/movie, but its real. And the reality of it all hit me like a ton of bricks after this epic nightmare/dream I had last night:

The dream was in two parts. The first part was about a really close friend of mine who had “actualized”. Meaning, everything that he wanted to do and become, he just…DID IT, and was living in this amazing condo with awards and albums released. I was so genuinely happy for him, my heart was so full. He looked me in the eyes with tears, grateful and said you can do this too Allison…but I felt like I had a pile of energetic mess, like dirty laundry I had to clean and fold and put away to even be able to see where to start. I felt trapped in my own inner mess.

I woke up and then went back to sleep and the second part of the dream felt like I was living in the world created by all my subconscious fears. Like a personal Hell. I was living in this reality that was like what I imagined communist China to be. Everyone was working individually yet together in their specific roles towards this huge synchronized social performance-like Shen Yun- or something. Everyone was an “influencer” and had their lives in order, like perfectly oiled machine lives. But I was trapped in my messy hotel room looking through dirty piles for ONE sock so I could join the action!!  The Stage Manager knocked on my door to tell me I needed to report to the rehearsal hall because it was beginning in 20 minutes and all of the country was there but me. It was awful! I just couldnt get my ish together! And I found out that missing sock was on my foot the whole time.

I woke up from this dream feeling like I trapped in my mess, unorganized while EVERYONE around me had it all figured out. I’ve felt like I have been paralyzed to create – my own channel, my own music, my OWN whatever– because it wasn’t going to be as good as everyone i saw on IG or the influencers I saw. Ironically, these INFLUENCERS only strike up my insecurity in my own talents. When I see them, it feels  like I missed the bus to be create on my own.  I realize that the “mess” is all internal subconscious fear, trauma or whatever you wanna call it, thats crowding what already IS.

Yes ,if I just start making music again or start a live channel, I’m not going to have 10K followers immediately like most of my friends. I may just have a solid 5 people. BUT F*CK FOLLOWERS! I’m not here to gain the world. Its not about numbers, its about MY OWN CREATIVITY as a Creative BEING! These influencers are no different than me, they aren’t just BORN better people, more special or more talented. They just have GUTS to INVEST in theirselves. They don’t get caught up in comparing what others are doing or what they think they are supposed to be doing. I need to give myself permission to SUCK. I want to remind myself that I create NOT to gain followers and for people to LIKE me and Validate me, but to create because I love it and because I am CREATIVE. I’ve been paralyzed because I’m just so deathly afraid to not be accepted or liked enough. This is such an old outdated story and I am burying right now. R.I.P.

BACK to the reality of this Quarantine….

It hit me that this is the NEW NORMAL. At least for now. That we all are forced to stay inside and essentially forced to GO INSIDE-INTERNALLY. To face our viruses within and heal them. There is no escape. No distraction. We must look at the inner world we have created and ask ourselves, is this what I want to live in? Am I the type of person I want to live as? What can I work on? What have I been ignoring or procrastinating working on? For me, its creating and clearing the junk. I’ve been an amazing puppet of other peoples projects. I love it, helping bringing other peoples visions to life, but what about my own? Now that I have no-one to work for, i have to work for myself now.

I’m so sorry I put you on the back burner- Allie Dee. I’m sorry I put other people’s opinions and expectations before your heart. I’m sorry I compared other people’s success and end results to your beginning steps. That scared you from even BEGINNING! The first steps of anything are sacred and can be shaky. I’m sorry I was so freaking MEAN to you in my self talk. I’m sorry for never standing up for you and here’s the kicker: Being everyone else’s Cheerleader but MY OWN.

WHOA…This feels Apocalyptic. The end of a way of living  and thinking that has been creating a bigger and bigger energetic mess inside. Blocking me from who I am at my core. I’m using this quarantine to strip my inner mess away: donate, dump, or keep. I’m being brutally yet lovingly honest with myself and I’m finding that as space clears, I’m seeing glimpses of who I really am.

Its like I’m remembering myself again.

 

 

Leveling Up

Good morning!

I have moved from my cozy cell to an expansive bright room! I have shifted to a full 180 change of perspective and atmosphere! From living in a tight, dirty apartment filled with men and paintings, roaches, and a sliver of a window, a roommate with a strict curfew and who was a self-proclaimed matriarch lover, complete with the cyclical argument of how women are abused all over and how fucked up the world is, a self-proclaimed lover of Mother Earth with dying plants and seemed to silence me whenever we “conversed”, whoooooof it was a heavy situation. When I had guests over late, I would found him sitting in the dark outside my room in a chair in the “living room” waiting to tell me that the guest had passed curfew. Yet when I went to the kitchen for a late snack or water (whose pitcher was always filled with dust or hair), I would see roaches comfortable strolling in the kitchen unbothered by my company, the garbage can open, and a figure sleeping in a chair in the living area…so much for abiding by the rules you enforce! However, I noted the compression on my spirit and heart, and silently sought brighter pastures…to fly freely again….

And boy did I hit the jackpot! I found a luxury apartment in the South Bronx, literally 7 min away on the other side of the river, ironically right around the corner from his artist’s location where he was painting murals. I remember him showing me this amazing spot and showing me footage of him spray painting the side of the building of this black owned bookstore in an up and coming artistically filled area in the South Bronx. Well…I live there now! There is a steam room, sauna, gym, rooftop, terrace, laundry, 15ft windows in my room, dishwasher…I LIVE HERE NOW! I have a queer Filipino sista girl roommate and a fluffy cat…and a deep tub! Literally everything that was in my dream pot, is here and manifested! I can’t believe it but I can! After all, I just finished a concert with jazz icons at the Jazz at the Lincoln Center. I have stepped into another place of existence of higher possibilities. They are possible to experience…in THIS lifetime! I can actually do what my heart desires! I have no idea how…through Christ…through Law of Attraction, through faith, through patience hardworking and believing that I am worthy of the things that I desire.

Wow…

Just Wow.

I am blessed beyond measure. And its only the beginning…

How can I expect anything less that God’s best?

Spring into Jazz

This past weekend was monumental. I performed at Jazz at the Lincoln Center in Kurt Elling’s Jazz Noir Radio Drama with Dee Dee Bridgewater, Ian Shaw, and Ben Vereen! Ulysess’s Owen’s big band-who was sooooooo tight, Guy Barker, orchestrator and conductor from UK, Phil Galston writer and composer…wow…I felt overwhelmingly honored to be a part of it but at the same time, it felt like a perfect fit. All my life, I’ve sang jazz, musical theater, orchestral new music, so it was ABOUT time to step into a project like this with such high caliber musicians…I was shy and slightly star struck, but at the same time, I sang with Stevie Wonder, Erykah Badu, I can HANG with the greatest in the field! This was such a confidence booster and affirmation that I can achieve greatness and live a life of excellence. It IS ATTAINABLE!

I CANNOT explain in words what it felt like to be inside this delicious music…to have the vibrations of all those high caliber musicians and creatives swirling on stage…to finally sing with a BIG BAND…this is my calling. This is a reminder of why I am living. I was given this voice, this gift, this face this soul, this heart this mind for just THIS. To be the singer with the bright voice and bright eyes. To create beauty and hope. To create light. I felt cocky and even crazy for thinking that lil ole me could and should do that but its false humility. I was simply born for this. Thats why I feel dead and dark with I’m working anywhere but NOT on grand stages. And thats okay. It doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone. Its just very specific. And its okay.

I had such an amazing time working and hanging with Ian Shaw and Guy Barker, my UK buddies! They are convincing me…well no need for any convincing…to perform in the UK. I already want to sing jazz in Europe in concert halls and jazz festivals anyway. I am a Broadway starlet (even though I’ve only done 2 shows and don’t necessarily fit in this current Broadway wave. JUST because I’ve been rejected by Hamilton and overlooked by whatever else is out now, doesn’t mean I’m not a Broadway starlet. I shine on Broadway stages whenever I am on them. PERIODT.) Audra isn’t in a show right now Anika Noni Rose isn’t in a show right now but they are STILL BROADWAY STARS! I need not feel overlooked or discouraged because I’m not in a show right now like my friends. If anything, I rejoice for my friends that THEY TOO are standing in their purpose and light!! There is infinite amount of light to be shared and enough sand on the beach for everyone!

I feel invigorated and it feels great to be seen and recognized for my work and passion. I spoke with so many producers and managers, movers and shakers and musicians….I think its possible to set up the type of life I’ve always dreamed. I want to switch out dream to vision, because I am fully awake when I see the life my heart calls for. Its not illusive at all. its completely attainable. And I need to just be clear about it and step into it.My European tour is coming. The life I desire is drawing closer and closer like a magnet. Its inevitable!

Even my living situation. Its not on the same frequency level and I have made the decision to level UP! and just like that, I found an apartment that is a DREAM! 15ft windows a steam room a sauna a gym a package room, zen lounges, rooftop and terrace.WOw…from roaches to riches!!

 

Let me go pack so I can live in luxury now!

Heres to leveling up!

 

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Last Day of 2018

It’s December 31st, 2018 and this year has been so interesting. It started slow then tumbled through so many things. From moving into a brownstone in the HEART of BedStuy, to going to Baltimore for 3 months, falling in love with musical theater again, shaving off my hair, going on unemployment, losing my faith in myself, getting disillusioned by own dreams, stepping away from the grind, getting my first side hustle, getting fired, getting my first TV show, moving unexpectedly to Crown Heights, getting fired, getting 2 new side hustles, performing at Kennedy Center and Roundabout Theater, moving back again to Bedstuy in a fabulous apartment, and now I end the year in a financial firm in midtown…I never thought that I would be in this place, in this circumstance…my bank account is looking dangerously low this past week, but my faith is equally high for the new year. My eyes have been opened in a sense in 2018…we struggled through rocky  terrain but as I descend this last hill of the year, I can see a glorious sunrise in the new horizon.  I’m ready to step into it…with new thoughts, new self talk, and ready to apply all the lessons that I’ve learned in 2018. But I don’t have the naïve view of all of this happening at the countdown. As a matter of fact, I’m not even going to countdown. I was to just exist from moment to moment until the calendar reflects that change but already, the change…the momentum is beginning in me already. To think that all of a sudden everything will change in one day is insanity. But to acknowledge the shift in direction and momentum is realistic and grounded in truth. Life is ever evolving and although things can happen in instants, its the changes that are grounded in the inner workings that are taking place in the silent dark places that grow long roots.

Woooof I don’t know where that came from but I’m glad that Spirit inSPIRed me to write that.

Here’s to continuing the journey in a positive direction.

 

Happy New Year!

Ok….I’m ready to be proactive in my fabulousness…

I’m ready to be a star. Well, technically I guess I am a little star in my own right, having over a thousand friends on facebook, ppl sending me messages and texts about my shine, strangers staring/smiling at me and having regional acknowledgement. But I’m READY to turn up my brilliance. I’ve been so blessed to have opportunities to shine and just plain blessed to have a LIGHT to shine. But now, I’m done with my dimly lit brilliance. I’m ready to radiate further! But after speaking with my bf, I am emPOWERed. YES, I have a bf now…more about him later…but in a nutshell, he is so proactive in his dreams/goals that I shake in my shoes when he speaks of them, I stand in awe as he pursues his goals with all of his strength and my eyes glow in anticipation for the fruition of his LABOR. He told me to visual what my dream is. WHAT IS IT?? What do I want to do? Shine as? What is my specific dream? Then think about what I have to do to get it. Then, here’s the kicker: DO IT. Then I thought about it? What DO I want to do? I want to sing and be on stage but SING WHAT? Do what on the stage? What stages do I want? I realized that I never sat down and visualized. I’ve just been going along for the ride, an awesome ride, but now I see that the speed is slowly to a 55mph, which is still keeping up, but I don’t want to just keep up. I want to accelerate into a new….highway! Thats brighter and has less traffic….OK! Enough with the metaphors! But anyway, Antoine told me that what I want, I need to get it and wait on no one. And its my action that will inspire ppl to want to invest and open those doors for me. To have everything in order so that when I get the gust of wind, my ship will sail. And I’m ready to get my ship ready.

I want my lifestyle to be fabulous. Here is my day in my ideal lifestyle:  I wake up and slip out of bed and walk to the balcony overlooking a gorgeous water front with tons of greenery and flowers. I do my yoga as the sun slips above the water horizon. After which I head downstairs where my breakfast is ready (by my chef) scrambled eggs, french toast, avocado, grapes, bacon orange juice and water. I  join my love who is planning our 3rd vacation to France. As we finish our breakfast his car arrives and he heads to the studio and I head to my  dance class for some cardio, meet with an NYU college buddy at St. Regis Hotel for lunch, then head out to a technical rehearsal for: HERE’s where the dream splits: 1. Tech rehearsal with my band for my sold out show or 2. Photo shoot for the Broadway show I’m starring in.

I want to live the life of being flown all over to perform. Once I got those few tastes of being flown to sing and having the food, clothes, transportation, and hotels taken care of, I fell in love. That is truly a life that I could get used to! Having a driver take me to rehearsal and my performance, and enjoying whatever city I’m in. Or being in the whirlwind of a production that I’m starring in. Granted I haven’t been on Broadway yet but when I am I can only imagine the multitude of things that go into the production of it! I love seeing the light designers and the costume crew, scenery and tech crew  on top of the actors rehearsing and musicians warming up! I love all those elements coming to together to create that MOMENT! The whirlwind of activity from so many different ppl towards one common goal-ME!  just kidding….but, you know….WHY NOT? If not towards me, why not towards a production featuring  me? But why me, you ask? Because I have so much to share! I have the passion, energy, talent, and light to entertain and inspire! I do it in my daily life without much effort because it was something that God blessed me with. But I am ready to entertain MORE. I’m ready to inspire MORE. And I’m ready to face on the silent fear that paralyzes and keep telling it that I CAN. I know what steps to take to get what I want and better: I KNOW what  I want!

I’m ready to grab hold of these reins and have the ride of my life!

Birthday Post

“Go Shawty, its your birthday. We gonna party like its your birthday. We gonna sip Bacardi like its your birthday. That’s right cuz we dont give a F* cuz its your birthday.” – 50 cent

Actually, I don’t really feel like partying. Or sipping Bacardi. Or really doing anything in particular. Just reflecting about where I’ve been and where I am and where I’m going. Is that weird?

When I woke up, it felt like a weird Christmas. Like a Christmas with no tree or gifts. Even tho my father wakes me up singing an off tune Frank Sinatra rendition of Happy Birthday before he goes off to work and my mom knocks down the door singing in her fancy fancy voice bearing card and gifts, when compared to my younger birthdays it doesnt….compare. They  were different. I guess because I’m different. I’ve grown and matured.  I remember 8 specifically, getting dolls and books and money and a little mermaid handheld video game, and jewelry and a birthday party. and CAKE. And in Highschool, the Balloons…oh the balloons. College; the alcohol and dancing out at the club/bar.

Bu since 25, I’ve just been reflecting and eating. lol This year, I went to Pancake House which was really all I wanted. Then I went to a line dancing class with my mom and Jamila then got a leg/Brazilian wax (which was AMAZING) and talked on my video AIM with my love until I fell asleep. Perfect birthday.  It really was. And I didn’t need any balloons.

but a cake would be nice…

HOME bitterSWEET HOME

Well,  I’m back in Chicago! After a layover in Atlanta, which was amazing!–I had collard greens, candied yams, baked fish and sweet tea and people watched and meet some really cool people–I finally came into Chicago and the cold air hit me like a wet towel. I already miss the warm Florida tropical air, but most of all, I miss the experience that I had. The cast of Bubbling Brown Sugar was so SPECIAL. Honestly, we were like a great big family and the beautiful thing about it was that everyone wanted to be there and every single person invested all their energy and heart to this show, from the producer to the director to the stage managers to the cast to the audiences! There were some audiences that were silent–which  taught me HIGE LESSONS: 1. Never judge if ppl are receiving your work if they are silent. Maybe they are just in shock or just speechless. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t enjoying it. Some of our silent crowds gave us roaring standing ovations.

2. sometimes despite the effort and passion you put into a performance, ppl will not enjoy it. There is nothing you can do about the result of your work. Just the quality of YOUR work.

3. When you feel too tired to go on, just think about the audience. People showered got out of their houses, bought the tickets and put on nice clothes to see the show. When I realize its not about me but my service to people (and God) that helps me muster up the strength to go on and with prayer, that supernatural strength will come from GOD!

4. Always find something new in the script/story. Find new things to focus on and discover and play on stage. Then it will never feel like WORK.

5. Never underestimate the compliment or smile or applause of an audience member. Who KNOWS what they have been going thru or what the performance meant to them. As a wise man told me, all we have is TIME. When someone takes time out to acknowledge your work, appreciate it. It is golden and you can get that time back. Even if you didn’t think the performance was great, its more than just what you think.

I’m going to miss my BBS cast. Nancy’s giggle and loving discipline, Anna’s selflessness and readiness to help us with everything, Dan being 100% Dan, sitting out on my patio and doing yoga, going from apartment to apartment, cooking up storms, drinking post show wine with the roomies, watching Family Feud , So you Think you can Dance and Glee with the roomies, GOOFING OFF backstage, going to the beach and laying out, Walmart runs, dancing and laughing until my voice was raw in the dressing room, hair shopping, Disney world, driving the van, the girls night out at Cafe Iguana, so much!! This was truly a blessing and the WONDERFUL thing about it all is that WE ALL KNEW. We KNEW it was special and we ALL had such beautiful energy and we all appreciated every moment. we truly were a family and I’m more HAPPY to have experienced it than SAD that it has ended.  I know have a larger family to visit and meet up with in NYC/FL.

So now….I’m home. Chicago. I missed it. The smell the sights, my family, my home, my friends. I have so much work to do though. Its overwhelming. I have boxes that haven’t been unpacked since i graduated from undergrad because I’ve always been on the go, dropping off stuff at home and going to Gurnee, IL, NYC, FL, or Cohoes. Now that I have  worked out my “pack rat” syndrome by having to move and pack lightly all the time, I can happily and easily dump evertyhing in my room and make it liveable. Or at least usable for my parents. I think it will be very symbolic too, to clear out the old and make way for the new.

Make way!